When They Relapse: What to Do (and Not Do)

Relapse can feel like a punch in the gut—for the person in recovery, and for everyone who loves them. It’s heartbreaking. It’s frustrating. It can stir up fear, anger, disappointment, and helplessness. Here’s what you need to know: relapse doesn’t mean failure. It means your loved one needs support, not shame.

How you respond to a relapse can either push them deeper into isolation or help bring them back into the light. Here’s what to do—and what to avoid—when the person you care about slips.

DO: Stay Calm

Even if you feel panicked inside, do your best to remain steady. Reacting with shock or rage can close the door to honest conversation.

Say: “Thank you for telling me. I know this is hard—I’m here to walk through this with you.”

DON’T: Guilt or Shame Them

Statements like “I can’t believe you did this again” or “You promised me” only fuel the cycle of shame that feeds addiction.

Instead: Be honest about your feelings without condemning their worth.

Try: “I’m really hurt and scared right now, and I still believe in you.”

DO: Encourage Accountability

Support doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug. Relapse is a signal that something needs attention—whether it’s a new treatment plan, a reset of boundaries, or additional support.

Ask: “What do you think your next right step is? How can I support that?”

DON’T: Take Responsibility for Their Recovery

It’s not your job to fix this. You can walk with them, you can’t walk for them.

Remind yourself: “Their recovery is their responsibility. My role is to love with boundaries.”

DO: Offer Hope, Not Perfection

Relapse can often be part of the recovery journey—not the end of it. Remind your loved one that healing is still possible and worth fighting for.

Say: “This doesn’t erase all the progress you’ve made. You still have the power to choose healing.”

DON’T: Pretend It Didn’t Happen

Avoiding the issue doesn’t protect them—it just delays real growth. When the time is right, have a calm, open conversation about what led to the relapse and what support might help going forward.

DO: Take Care of Yourself Too

Relapse affects you, too. It’s okay to feel hurt, to ask for space, and to seek out your own healing. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Try: Talking to a counselor, joining a support group, or setting new boundaries as needed.

Relapse Isn’t the End of the Story

It’s a detour, not a dead end. Many people in long-term recovery experienced setbacks along the way. Your grace, your steady presence, and your healthy boundaries might just be the lifeline your loved one needs to get back up and keep going.

If you love someone in recovery…

Please share these resources with them if you think it could help. And if you feel led, consider supporting Today’s Sober Women with a gift. Every dollar goes to support and encourage a woman on her sobriety journey. We provide everything from support groups, digital resources, and weekly text messages to help women stay on the sober track.

There’s always hope. And no one walks this road alone.