The Three R’s of Recovery: Regret, Resentment, and Reluctance

We talk a lot about letting go in recovery—letting go of people, places, and old habits that no longer serve us. But some of the hardest things to release aren’t physical at all. They live quietly in the corners of our hearts: regret, resentment, and reluctance.

Each one whispers a different lie, and together they can keep us from living free.

Regret: The Weight of Yesterday

Regret sounds like, “If only I hadn’t…” or “Why did I…?” It’s the tape that rewinds every choice we wish we could change. In therapy, we call this rumination—getting stuck replaying pain we can’t undo.

In recovery, regret often shows up after the fog lifts. When the mind clears, the heart starts remembering: promises we broke, people we hurt, opportunities we lost.

But here’s the shift: regret can be a teacher, not a tormentor.

AA points us toward making amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” That step isn’t about wallowing in guilt; it’s about transforming regret into responsibility. In therapy, we’d call that integration—taking the lessons from the past and weaving them into a healthier present.

And in faith, regret becomes the soil where grace takes root. “If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
You don’t erase your past—you redeem it by living differently today.

Resentment: The Poison We Sip Ourselves

If regret looks back, resentment looks sideways. It’s the quiet anger that hardens over time—toward others, toward ourselves, sometimes even toward God.

Resentment insists that forgiveness is weakness, that holding on keeps us safe. In reality, it’s a slow leak in the soul. It drains our peace, distorts our perception, and keeps us circling the same terrain again and again.

AA calls resentment the “number one offender.” Therapy names it unprocessed anger. Faith names it bondage.

In recovery, resentment disguises itself as control: “I’ll forgive when they apologize.” “I’ll move on when they understand.” But healing doesn’t wait for fairness—it begins when we decide that peace matters more than payback.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the harm. It releases its hold on you.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Matthew 6:12)
That’s not a suggestion; it’s a pathway to freedom.

Reluctance: The Quiet Resistance to Healing

Here’s the third R—reluctance.

Reluctance is the long pause before “I’m sorry.” The invisible wall between us and the meeting we said we’d attend. The subtle pull keeping us in yesterday instead of showing up for today.

Underneath reluctance is fear—fear of being seen, failing again, trusting too much, getting hurt one more time.

Therapy would explore this as avoidance. Faith sees it as self-protection that can keep us from receiving God’s best. In AA, reluctance looks like skipping meetings, half-working the steps, or staying on the sidelines of community instead of diving in.

Here’s what I’ve learned walking with so many women in recovery: reluctance usually hides a tender need.

• The woman who can’t forgive herself isn’t stubborn—she’s ashamed.
• The one who won’t go back to meetings isn’t lazy—she fears judgment.
• The one who resists praying again isn’t faithless—she’s hurting.

Healing begins when we meet reluctance with compassion, not condemnation. Ask: What is this part of me trying to protect?

Reluctance loses power when we move, even a little—pick up the phone, whisper a prayer, walk into a meeting and sit in the back just to listen.

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8)

Living Beyond the Three R’s

If regret looks behind and resentment looks beside, recovery looks forward. It’s the daily practice of release—trusting that each small act of courage creates room for grace to grow.

God doesn’t ask for perfection—He asks for willingness.
Willing to forgive. To begin again. To show up even when you don’t feel ready.

When we surrender regret, resentment, and reluctance, three new R’s rise to meet us: Restoration. Renewal. Relief.
Freedom isn’t found in what we’ve done or what we’ve lost, but in what God is doing right now.

One last R we don’t carry by design: Relapse.
We don’t plan for it, normalize it, or include it in our vision of recovery. If it happens, grace gives us a fast way back: call your sponsor or therapist today, get to a meeting within 24 hours, pray (“God, lead me back to honesty and help”), and do a quick HALT check (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Then take the next right step. Recovery isn’t perfection; it’s progress toward a healthier, happier, better you.

Reflection Prompt
Where are you holding one of the three R’s? What would one small, brave step toward release look like today?

Prayer Prompt

God, help me let go of the regrets that weigh me down, the resentments that harden my heart, and the reluctance that keeps me from healing. Teach me to walk in honesty, humility, and hope. Your mercies are new every morning—meet me here and make me whole. Amen.