The Do’s and Don’ts of Talking About Their Past

When a loved one is in recovery, their past can feel like a landmine—something you want to understand and don’t know how to talk about. Should you bring it up? Should you pretend it didn’t happen? Will asking questions open up old wounds, or show that you care?

The truth is: the past matters—and how you talk about it matters even more. Your loved one is learning to live with their story, not run from it. With your support, they can move from shame to strength. Here are some guidelines to help.

DO: Let Them Lead the Conversation

Some days, they may want to talk openly about their past. Other days, they may not. Let their readiness and comfort be your cue.

Say: “If you ever want to talk about what you’ve been through, I’m here. No judgment.”

DON’T: Bring Up Their Past Mistakes to Prove a Point

Using their past in an argument or to justify your own hurt feelings may feel tempting—at the same time it’s damaging. It reinforces shame and can trigger relapse.

Instead: Focus on the present moment and what’s needed now—not what happened then.

DO: Ask Questions With Compassion, Not Curiosity

If your desire is to understand them better, that can be deeply healing. At the same time avoid treating their trauma like a story for your entertainment or disbelief.

Say: “I’d like to understand your experience better—if you ever want to share it.”

DON’T: Minimize What They’ve Been Through

Comments like “That doesn’t sound so bad,” or “We’ve all made mistakes,” may be well-intentioned but dismissive.

Instead: Acknowledge their courage to face hard things. Let them know their story is safe with you.

DO: Celebrate How Far They’ve Come

When they open up about their past, resist the urge to pity them. Celebrate their growth.

Say: “It blows me away how far you’ve come. You’re stronger than you know.”

DON’T: Make Their Past the Center of Your Relationship

They are more than their addiction. More than their mistakes. Let your connection grow through shared memories, goals, and experiences—not just old pain.

Instead: Enjoy who they’re becoming. Talk about today, dream about the future.

DO: Create a Space Free of Shame

Your loved one might be grieving the person they were. You can’t erase that—you can remind them that they’re loved and valued in their recovery.

Say: “You are not your past. You are loved right now, exactly as you are.”

Talking About the Past Can Bring Healing—If It’s Done Right

You don’t need perfect words. Just presence, patience, and a heart that listens. If your loved one knows they’re safe with you, they’ll be more willing to keep walking the path of healing—with their head high and their heart open.

If you love someone in recovery…

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Healing happens in relationships. Thank you for being part of their journey.