Setting Boundaries Without Shutting Them Out

When someone you love is in recovery, boundaries become essential—and they can also feel uncomfortable or even painful to set. You want to protect yourself and maintain healthy relationships, at the same time, you don’t want to push your loved one away.

Here’s the truth: Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges. They are the lines you draw to show respect for both your own well-being and the person you love. Healthy boundaries allow recovery to thrive without compromising your own emotional health.

 

1. Understand Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries are about mutual respect. They provide structure, safety, and clarity. They help both you and your loved one to understand where one person ends and the other begins.

For example:
A boundary might be as simple as saying, “I will not answer phone calls after 10 p.m.” It’s about taking care of yourself, not about rejecting them.

 

2. Be Clear, Not Harsh

Boundaries don’t need to be shouted from the mountaintop, they do need to be clear and direct. Your loved one is going through a lot—and they need to know exactly what you need to feel safe and supported.

Say:
“I love you, and I need to take a break from the conversation right now. We can talk again tomorrow.”

 

3. Expect Resistance—and Stand Firm

When you first set boundaries, they may push back. That’s normal, especially if they’ve been used to crossing those lines in the past. It’s okay to be firm and stand by your decision, even when it’s difficult.

Say:
“I understand you may be upset, and at the same time this boundary is important for both of us.”

 

4. Separate Boundaries From Ultimatums

Boundaries are about self-care; ultimatums are about control. Be mindful of the language you use to avoid making the situation feel like a power struggle.

Instead of:
“If you don’t stop drinking, I’m leaving.”

Try:
“I can’t be around alcohol. If that’s part of your plan, I’ll need to step away until you’re ready to talk without it.”

 

 

5. Practice Self-Compassion When Setting Boundaries

It’s natural to feel guilty when setting boundaries with someone you love. Remember: healthy boundaries are a form of self-care, not selfishness. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Remember:
“You are allowed to have needs, and it’s okay to take care of yourself.”

 

 

6. Be Consistent

Boundaries only work when they are consistently respected. If you set a boundary and then allow it to be crossed, it sends mixed signals. Stick to your limits to teach respect.

 

 

7. Communicate Compassionately, Not Emotionally

You don’t need to have an emotional conversation every time you set a boundary. Keep it simple and compassionate. This isn’t about punishing them; it’s about creating an environment where both of you can thrive.

Say:
 “I know this is hard for both of us. And this is what I need in order to stay healthy.”

 

 

8. Boundaries Can Evolve

As your loved one progresses in their recovery, their needs and behaviors will change. So, too, should your boundaries. Keep checking in with yourself to see if your boundaries need adjustment.

 

Boundaries Are a Form of Love

When you set boundaries, you are teaching the person you love how to have a respectful and balanced relationship with you. You are saying, “I care about you enough to protect both of us.” And sometimes, the hardest love is the love that keeps both people healthy—not just the person in recovery.

 

If you love someone in recovery…

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You deserve healthy relationships, and so does your loved one.