Mentalization: A Fancy Word That Can Really Help Your Recovery

If your brain tends to “get a little Grinchy with it”—assuming the worst before you know the whole story—this is exactly where mentalization can help. Let me explain.

Have you ever:

• Snapped at someone, then later thought, “Why did I do that?”
• Obsessed over a text or look from someone and spun out a whole story… that turned out to be totally wrong?
• Acted on an urge (drink, binge, scroll, lash out) before you even knew what you were feeling?

If yes, welcome to being human and in recovery.

There’s a therapy word that can really help with this: mentalization.

In plain English, mentalization means:

Noticing what you’re thinking and feeling, and wondering what someone else might be thinking and feeling too—especially the “why” underneath.

Psychologists are finding that when people in addiction recovery practice mentalization—especially in groups—it can strengthen impulse control, ease shame, and improve relationships.

And the good news? You don’t have to be a therapist to practice it. You can use this with your sponsor, your small group, or a safe church friend.

How Mentalization Can Help Your Recovery

Addiction isn’t just about substances. It’s about:

• Big feelings you may not have words for
• Stories you tell yourself about what other people mean
• Impulses that feel like they run the show

When you grew up with chaos, neglect, or inconsistent caregivers, it can be hard to trust your own feelings or read other people accurately. Therapists call this insecure attachment, and it can interfere with mentalization—the ability to understand your inner world and someone else’s.

When that happens, a few things tend to show up:

• You might feel emotionally “numb” or cut off from your own feelings.
• Substances become a kind of self-medication for that nameless inner ache.
• You react in the moment instead of pausing to understand what’s going on inside you.

Mentalization is like a gentle flashlight. It lets you see:

• What you’re feeling
• Why you might be feeling it
• What might be happening inside the other person

That clarity gives you a few seconds of choice before you hit the old pattern.

Mentalization vs. Just “Talking About Your Feelings”

Mentalization goes a little deeper than just venting or empathy.

• Empathy says: “I feel for you.”
• Mentalization adds: “Let’s get curious about why you (and they) might feel this way—what’s happening inside both of you.”

A helpful way to think about it: mentalization involves grasping the why as well as the what, which can reduce resentment, shame, and the urge to escape into substances.

When you understand:

• “Oh, I snapped because I felt rejected,” and
• “She was short with me because she was overwhelmed, not because I’m unlovable,”

…it becomes easier to:

• Pause instead of pour a drink
• Set a boundary instead of explode
• Let go of stories that keep you stuck in shame

A Simple Mentalization Group You Can Try

You don’t have to be in a formal group therapy program to use mentalization in community. You can practice it with:

• A sponsor
• A TSW-style small group
• A safe church friend or recovery buddy

⚠️ Use this only in safe, supportive spaces—with people who listen, keep things confidential, and don’t weaponize your honesty. It’s not a replacement for therapy, especially if you’re dealing with trauma or severe PTSD, but it can complement it.

Here’s a simple format:

Step 1: One woman shares a “non-ideal” moment

Pick something recent where you’re not proud of how you behaved.

Example:

“I ignored three calls from my sister and then sent a nasty text.”

Keep it to one scene, not your whole life story.

Step 2: The group reflects the story back

Each listener takes a turn saying, in their own words:

• “What I heard was…”
• “The moment that stood out to me was…”

This helps the storyteller feel seen and shows her how others are understanding the situation.

Step 3: Storyteller checks in

The storyteller responds:

• “Yes, that’s right,” or
• “That part didn’t quite land,” or
• “Hearing it back, what hits me is…”

Already, she’s mentalizing—seeing her own story from the outside.

Step 4: Explore the inside of the moment

Now the group gently invites curiosity:

• “What do you think you were feeling right before you sent the text?”
• “What were you afraid might happen?”
• “What did you want in that moment?”

The storyteller tries to name:

• Thoughts (“She doesn’t care about me.”)
• Feelings (hurt, anger, fear, shame)
• Body sensations (tight chest, heat in face, racing heart)

This is core mentalization: connecting inner state to outer action.

Step 5: Offer alternative perspectives (no fixing)

Group members then share other ways of seeing the situation:

• “I wonder if your sister might have been scared, not angry.”
• “It sounds like you felt cornered, so the text was a way to take back control.”
• “If you’d known she’d just gotten bad news, do you think you might have replied differently?”

Important ground rules:

• No “you should have…”
• No dogpiling or shaming
• Use language like “I wonder…” or “Another way to see it might be…”

You’re expanding the story, not erasing her truth.

Step 6: Storyteller gathers what lands

The storyteller closes by saying:

• “What I’m taking away is…”
• “The part that surprised me was…”
• “Next time, I might try…”

This seals the work: she’s practiced pausing, reflecting, and imagining different choices.

Over time, this kind of group work helps you move from reactive to responsive—in relationships, cravings, boundaries, and everyday life.

3 Everyday Questions to Practice Mentalization

Even if you’re not in a group, you can start mentalizing today with three simple questions:

1. “What am I feeling right now?”
   (Name at least one emotion + one body sensation.)
2. “What story am I telling myself?”
   (“She hates me,” “I’m in trouble,” “I always mess up.”)
3. “What else might be going on—for me and for them?”
   (“Maybe I’m tired and scared; maybe she’s stressed and not thinking.”)

You don’t have to know the “true answer.” Just opening up to multiple possibilities is mentalization—and it already loosens the grip of shame and certainty.

How This Supports Lifestyle Recovery and Boundaries

Mentalization skills help you:

• Pause before reacting
  – “I’m furious… but I can feel this and still choose my next step.”
• Set healthier boundaries
  – “Her behavior is about her stress, not my worth. I can say no without collapsing in guilt.”
• Stay out of drama
  – “I don’t have to assume the worst. I can ask a clarifying question instead of spiraling.”
• Reduce relapse risk
  – When you can name what’s happening inside, you’re less likely to reach for a drink or another compulsive behavior to manage the discomfort.

This is what we mean at Today’s Sober Women when we talk about lifestyle recovery—not just not drinking, but building a life where you can think clearly, feel honestly, and relate more safely to others.

A Gentle Reminder

If you read this and thought, “Wow, I do not know what I’m feeling half the time,” that’s not a character defect. It’s often a sign you’ve been surviving a long time without a lot of safe spaces to explore your inner world.

Needing help to understand your own mind is not a failure; it’s part of healing.

Mentalization is a skill, not a personality trait. You can learn it and grow in it—one honest conversation at a time.

A Gentle Next Step

If this resonates, try this small experiment this week:

• Pick one interaction that bothered you.
• Jot down what happened in a few sentences.

Then answer the 3 questions:

1. What was I feeling?
2. What story was I telling myself?
3. What else might have been going on (for me and for them)?

If you feel safe, share that process with a sponsor, therapist, or trusted friend. Let them wonder with you.

You don’t have to analyze every moment of your life. But a little more curiosity about your inner world—and others’—can create just enough space to choose recovery, connection, and peace a little more often.