What to Say (and What Not to Say) to Someone in Recovery
When someone you care about is in recovery, your words can carry incredible weight. A single sentence can be the encouragement that helps them through the day—or a painful reminder that sends them spiraling into shame. Most of us want to be helpful, at the same time we may not know what to say. That’s okay. The good news is: you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present, thoughtful, and willing to learn.
In this post, we’ll explore why language matters, and highlight some of the most common phrases that hurt more than they help—along with alternatives that encourage healing and trust.
10 Common Phrases to Avoid (and What to Say Instead)
1. “Haven’t you been clean for a while now?”
This puts pressure on them to perform or prove their recovery, which can feel minimizing.
Instead, say: “I’m proud of you for continuing to show up for yourself every day.”
2. “Why don’t you just stop?”
This oversimplifies addiction and suggests it’s a choice rather than a struggle with a disease.
Instead, say: “I can’t imagine how hard this is, and I’m here to support you.”
3. “You were so much fun before…”
This implies that their sober self is less likable and glorifies their past behavior during active addiction.
Instead, say: “I love seeing you healthy and present.”
4. “At least it wasn’t [another drug/drink/etc.].”
This kind of comparison can dismiss the seriousness of their addiction.
Instead, say: “Every step you take in your recovery is meaningful.”
5. “You’re not going to mess this up again, right?”
Fear-based pressure can make someone feel like they can’t be honest if they struggle.
Instead, say: “Whatever comes your way, I want you to know I’m here for you.”
6. “You don’t look like an addict.”
This phrase reinforces harmful stereotypes and invalidates their experience.
Instead, say: “I admire your strength and honesty.”
7. “Are you sure you’re really an addict?”
Doubt like this can make someone question their own healing journey.
Instead, say: “I support your decision to pursue sobriety.”
8. “Isn’t that all behind you now?”
Recovery isn’t a box to check—it’s a lifelong process.
Instead, say: “How are you feeling about your recovery lately?”
9. “You’ve changed.”
Even when said with good intent, this can come off as accusatory or disapproving.
Instead, say: “I see how much work you’ve done. I’m proud of you.”
10. “I miss the old you.”
This can unintentionally romanticize the time when your loved one was struggling.
Instead, say: “I’m excited to get to know the real you—healthy and whole.”
Support Begins With Understanding
Words won’t solve everything, but they can be a bridge to trust and healing. Be patient. Be kind. And remember: showing up with empathy matters more than saying the “perfect” thing.
If you love someone in recovery…
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Together, we can be part of their healing—one word, one act of support, and one woman at a time.
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